Greetings My Brothers In the Lord,
Because "I've been there and done that" I can speak to you from the heart of experience. My past sins are nothing to be proud of, or grounds to boast upon. The plain truth is, I screwed up my walk with the Lord once I crossed over that line in the sand moving into the dark world of porn and sexual sin.
My (first) marriage was nearing its end. My ex-wife was in Texas visiting her parents more than she was in the house we once called home. Our attempts at marriage counseling failed because she claimed the therapist was siding with me (he was a male). In order to appease her, and get her back into counseling, I suggested we request a female counselor, and she wholeheartedly agreed.
This round of marital counseling went several weeks, and again she found fault with the counselor. Her accusation was that the counselor and I were flirting with each other, and the counselor was once again taking my side.
After a handful of counseling sessions, I raised the white flag up the pole, and it was now only a matter of time before the divorce papers would become a reality. This was sad, because we had two children, nearly ten years of marriage, and I was on the fast track to be ordained by the Church of God-Anderson , Indiana.
The fact that we had no sexual contact for almost two years (prior to our final separation), and I was simply "horny". led me break my vows to her and God when I turned to those adult video stores and massage parlors. I don't want you to think my morphing from child of God to pervert was easy...in actuality it was filled with guilt, because I knew I was to live a Holy life, and this was not the grounds for Holy living...
I am not going to blame my ex for driving me to this sexual sin, because I knew the difference between right and wrong according to God's will for my life. It was simply my flesh taking control (a spiritual coup) of the temple within me, and crossing that line in the sand, time after time.
A little note to all of you who are dabbling with the dark side...it grows easier and easier to commit sexual sin with each response to its beckoning call. What I needed was an ear that I could turn to and confess. I needed someone with the fellowship that I could share my sin with and get help getting beyond this point in life. Sadly, I had no one to turn to, because I knew within my heart that no one would understand. I feared judgment, :poke: where I needed love. So down the path I ran. I ran so fast into the arms of my new lover (porn and sexual sin), that I couldn't stop to take a look back at what I was leaving.
Like the prodigal son, I cashed out from my Father, and went to do my sin on my own bidding. As I look back, I thought for sure that my Father would have fought harder for me to stay, and I was surprised to see how He let me go.
I guess that adage is true: "If you truly love someone, let them go, and if it were meant to be, they'd return." God let me head south, knowing I'd be back, and He'd be waiting with a ring and robe in hand...
I would return, in about 14 years, but there has been tons of personal damage done by my sin. So much damage that I am, to this day, like an alcoholic who has to take it one-day-at-a-time. Sexual addiction took it's toll on my soul, and while I am forgiven, sexual sin and temptation remains the weakest link in my body armor. I have to live each day, cognizant of that repaired spot in my armor, and that means protecting it with prayer and keeping a vigilant, yet constant watch on that part in my armor.
This is the impetus behind my book Prodigal Daze (removethehaze.com), as well as the ministry my wife and I operate: Airlift Music:eusa_dance: Ministry. We want to help restore those who have been left for dead along side the road to Glory. We love to move in the ministry of restoration, because restoration is the key to getting men and women back on that narrow road to the even more narrow door which leads to heaven.
The final years of marriage to my ex led me to all kinds of sexual sin. Everything from Porn, to massage parlors, to actual pay for sex acts. As a pastor, and a believer in the Lord, I knew I had crossed that line in the sand, and in truth, I didn't see a chance for me to return. On top of that, the brothers that I finally confided in told me I was like a broken vessel that God would never be able to repair and use.
This drove me deeper into the abyss of sexual sin (because I wanted to drive a wedge between God and myself), and in a way it was okay with me: after all, wasn't it God's fault that this marriage went south? I was a man of God. A man with a definite calling on his ministry mantle, and God stood by and let this marriage go straight to hell. So if this marriage and divorce were sending me to hell, why not go in style? The sexual sin was filled with momentary pleasure, and each pleasure brought me to the point that I actually wanted more. My hunger for porn and subsequent sexual acts were leading me to thoughts about experimenting with homosexual sex acts. The temptation to experiment with gay sex came from the gay porn that I'd view in those booths. The longer I went to adult porn stores, the more hungry I grew to have different and more exciting sexual liaisons.
As you can clearly see, my innocent experimentation in the field of Porn 101 had led me to wanting to change my major in life from Religious studies to Sexual Addiction. This change in direction resulted in more risqué types of porn, and searching out people to experiment with.
My life was a mess, and it took my attempted suicide in April 1987 to shake me up and get me out of that lifestyle and back to God.
I can only hope that any of you who are dabbling with the thoughts of viewing porn (soft or hard core XXX) give it up and run back to the Father for forgiveness and restoration. Those of you having sex before marriage (fornication), or after (adultery), drop to your knees, repent, and rebuke the hold of the devil on your life. What ever momentary pleasure of self-gratification you may be enjoying now, will lead you down the path of spiritual self-destruction. The Scripture tells us that our sin causes the Spirit to grieve. Ephesians 4:30 - "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend or vex or sadden Him], by Whom you were sealed (marked, branded as God's own, secured) for the day of redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin)." The Amplified Bible.
If I had it to do all over again, knowing what I know now, I'd definitely do things different. So, pay heed to my life as an example of a life that went terribly wrong; and once it goes wrong in deed and action, it can never be like it was. None of those sinful pleasures has eternal good; just eternal bad. Today is the day of salvation (2 Corinthians 6:2 - For He says, In the time of favor (of an assured welcome) I have listened to and heeded your call, and I have helped you on the day of deliverance (the day of salvation). Behold, now is truly the time for a gracious welcome and acceptance [of you from God]; behold, now is the day of salvation!"
Selah and Shalom,
Pastor Paul
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